TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely outside of position. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But yes, positive, let us have A further spot the place American Adult men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give Anyone a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is Trump Tower Damascus really that he need to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting attention from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will even include:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down service."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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